Sunday, August 26, 2007

Why I Shouldn't Hang Out With The Boys

They get me in trouble!

This weekend has half been fun/half sucked ass, so I guess that makes it fair-to-middling! It all started out with me going to Obetz, Ohio with two pals(John & Michael) for the ZucchiniFest. I like zucchini - eat it regularly - what could be better than a whole night dedicated to it? I got to eat a zucchini burger, a few slices of fried zucchini, a piece of peanut butter zucchini fudge and a zucchini no-bake cookie. My hips are thanking me!

Surprisingly (and to John's vegetarian dismay), zucchini burgers are not actually made out of zucchini. Instead, it's ground beef that contains chopped zucchini. I think it's a cop-out. You can make a burger out of zucchini! They just chose not to.

I've decided I love Obetz - in this town, the mullet has never gone out of style. Long mullets, short mullets, curly mullets, straight mullets, mullets on children, mullets on women. It rocks! I actually felt slightly fashionable, which never happens. Once we were zucchinied out, we headed to Obetz' finest establishment - the Ruby Hill something or other. Nothing says rockin' good time like a small-town bar.

As soon as I stepped inside, I felt like I was back in Wheeling, WV during my bar-sneaking-in phase. In fact, the whole town is exactly what my life would be like if I got knocked up at 18 and stayed in Wheeling. I'd be wearing a mullet, sweatpants, and hanging out at the local tavern - probably bringing my 5 children with me because I couldn't find a babysitter.

And Now For The Rest of the Evening...

The boys felt the need to take me to all kinds of bars without fully disclosing the clientele ahead of time. For starters, we went to the Ruff Ryders bar, where wewere the only people who didn't look like actual gang member. This one guy had the biggest grill I've ever seen in my life - it was a little sparkly, so I kind of dug it, but not really. The DJ was playing gangster rap and apparently the owner decided the smoking ban was optional. I should do my citizen duty and report them!

Next we went to Slammers - I realized what type of bar it was when I walked in and noticed that there were no men. (Well, there were two - but they were gay.) There seemed to be a lot of women with mullets and short haircuts. Yep - they took me to a lesbian bar. It was actually really boring - and they advertised gross-sounding drinks like Sum Poosie energy drink. (Do you think my energy drink collecting, lives-with-mother guy has tried this one?)

After that we went to the Exile Club. To give you warning about this one, my gay male hairdresser shrieked in horror when I even said its name. Apparently it used to be some place where gay men wore leather and whipped each other. To my delight and the fellows' sadness, the place has tamed significantly. I think people play bingo there now.

And Now For the Rest of the Weekend...
The rest of the weekend was spent working - pretty much all day Saturday and Sunday morning. I had lunch with Liz (who had a bug in her salad - ick!) I also got my hair repaired - it's much prettier now! - and went out with Joseph (my hair guy) for a couple of drinks.

He apparently gets a little loose lipped with alcohol. Now I know his penis size, which is a little more than I needed to know about him - although he was probably lying like most men. He also shared a lovely story about when he went to the Exile Club distraught over a breakup and ended up standing up, dropping trou and announcing "If I'm going to get spanked in my relationships, I might as well get spanked in real life." After which, he found some 50 year old guy smacking his ass.

I think this all might be a little too much for me. I grew up West Virginia for goodness sake.

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