I called Sprint Customer Service on the replacement phone, again, per the instructions. The guy who answered said, "Are you calling on the phone you want to activate?" and I said "Yes." "Ooh - that's not good. I can't activate it if you're on it."
"That's OK - I activated it online," I said. "Ooh - that's not good. It doesn't work if you activate it online," the guy said. "Well, why did the instructions list that as the number one option?" I asked. "I don't know," he said.
"Well, I don't have a land line that I can use (I was in my car) and I need to use my phone. What are my options?" I asked. "Well, you can go to a Sprint store and activate it." "That's not going to work," I said. "So what you're telling me is I'm pretty much screwed until I can get to a regular phone?" "Pretty much," he said.
And that conversation sums up my entire experience with Sprint. I was also disappointed to learn that my contract does not expire until APRIL, unlike the February date the guy in the Sprint store told me. Give him 5's my ass - he'll be lucky to get a .5 from me.