Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Stop Stabbing Me!

Yesterday, I went to the dentist. I HATE going to the dentist. Here's why:

  • Halitosis - not mine...the hygienist's! If you're going to be up close and personal with someone's face for 20 minutes, maybe oniony and garlicky food is NOT the way to go. I was trapped in a stinky haze. Just pop an Altoid...that's all I'm saying!

  • Brute Force - my hygienist was a burly dude, so he had extra teeth-cleaning oomph. In general, having your teeth cleaned is painful because a sharp metal object is poking your gums and scraping your teeth. When a dude puts strength behind it, it's even worse. Jack Bauer should recruit him!

(Interruption: Daphne just picked up my green comb with her mouth and jumped off the table with it. Like it was her prey!

Second Interruption: an e-mail from Kohl's just popped up...Lauren Conrad has a fashion line at Kohl's?!? Who would buy anything that woman designs? Is there no escape from the Hills' peeps?)

  • Polish - I hate the sound of having my teeth polished and hate the texture more. It's gritty and disgusting. Plus, it tastes like crap.

  • Awkward Conversation - When you're stabbing my mouth with metal sticks, do not feel the need to bring up the weather. I don't really care that you felt like staying in bed all day because of the windiness. I'm not having a particularly great time either so suck it up! (The same goes for gynecologists - one lady started asking me about checking accounts when she was examining me. Could we talk business after you've finished looking up my hoo-ha? Thank you.)

  • Floss - I have a small jaw and my teeth are close together. (That's what I look like, deal with it.) In general, I have to resort to special tricks to floss, otherwise it's a pain in the patoot. This dude just went to town - jerking my head from side to side. I'm surprised I didn't get brain damage.

  • Goop - My dentist now offers free tooth whitening for life. That sounded pretty great to me since I'm a coffee drinker. For some reason, I thought they'd shoot laser beams at my teeth or something (I'm a writer - I didn't go to dental school.) No...they had to fit me with trays. This involved plopping a bunch of goop in a mold and shoving my teeth in it. They did this AFTER my teeth were already clean. The goop was completely disgusting - cold, thick, bad-tasting. It had a terrible texture. I don't know that white teeth is worth it.
I guess the option of not having teeth is worse than going to the dentist, but could they make the room feel like less of a torture chamber? Maybe soft lighting and fabulous music. Or just knock me out...they don't make cats and dogs suffer through this crap!

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