Why Me?

It's 7:30 a.m. on a Monday morning and I'm tired because some jackass guy felt the need to text message me 10 times last night between 11 p.m. and 2 a.m. Probably if I don't respond to your first text message, I'm not going to respond to your other nine. (And yes, I should have just turned my phone off, but I almost always sleep with it on in case there's some sort of emergency somewhere. I eventually did turn it off. )

Of course, after all that, I couldn't sleep because I was petrified I was going to wake up with a dead bunny dumped on my doorstep or something like that. Ten text messages (and three additional e-mails that didn't wake me up because my computer's in another room) are not the most normal thing in the world. Luckily, he doesn't know where I live or my home phone number to track down where I live. (Bless cellphones!)

I've decided dating is the equivalent of either a medieval torture device or stabbing out your own eyeballs with a pair of knitting needles.

I'm only 30, but I feel like I'm way too old for this. I've completely lost patience. I'm telling you...I'm Ellis Island in human form. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." (I realize that the quote is on the Statue of Liberty.) Yep, the tired, poor, huddled masses have camped outside my door. I have to be the biggest weirdo magnet in the world. (I do occasionally find normal guys, but those are few and far between.)

On the last three dates I've been on, two of the guys practically burst into tears while talking about some sad experience they've had. Not to be insensitive, but aren't first dates supposed to be fun? Is it too much to ask that we just hang out and have a fun, happy time and decide if we want to have more fun, happy times? And as we have more fun, happy times, then we can have serious, pondering conversations that involve tears.

On a first date, I'm more concerned about whether I have spinach in my teeth than in asking deep thought-provoking questions about religion or politics.

Here are my pet peeves: I don't need people tracking me down at work. I don't need people telling me long-winded stories about their issues with religion or their parents or their medical history or their ex-wives. I don't need people sending me weird pictures or videos of themselves.

Is it too much to ask to find someone who likes some of the same things I like, who is someone capable of having long, interesting conversations, who makes me laugh, who I find remotely attractive, and who wants to spend time with me doing stuff we both like?

You know, maybe I'm better off single. I'm smart, funny, independent and reasonably cute. I have a good job. I have plenty of friends and family. To be honest, my own company is WAY better than some of these yahoos I've encountered. I don't even know where these people come from.

UGH.