Monday, August 17, 2009

I'm a Quitter

Today is my first day of vacation. I had big plans for this week to be like a "spa week." I would eat healthy foods and exercise every day and drink lots of water.

I trotted to the gym at 9:30 for the "EveryBodies Boot Camp" class. The description said "Basic cardio and muscle conditioning boot camp style. All levels will feel successful in this workout!"

When you read that, you probably think this class involves basic workout moves that are easy to adapt for all fitness levels. You'd be thinking wrong.

Problem #1: The Workout Was Painful

This class was torture...pure evil torture. Most of the cardio segments involved the jump rope - and not just basic jump rope. We hopped on one foot, kicked with one foot, kicked three times with one foot, jumpedin a circle, jumped side to side. I can't even jump rope the normal way, let alone all the variations. I kept getting my feet tangled up in the rope. If we weren't jump roping, we were jumping up and down or crawling on the floor or doing push-ups. It was ghastly.

Problem #2: The Instructor Creeped Me Out

If it were just lots of exercise, I could deal. This instructor took the class to a whole different level. Five minutes in, she stripped off her workout shirt so she was just working out in shorts and a sports bra - matching of course. She had short, curly blonde hair and was the brownest white woman I've ever seen. Since she had no tan lines (trust me, I could see!), she was obviously a fan of the tanning bed.

On top of that, she was ridiculously skinny. When she bent over, I could see every vertebrae in her back. I could see how the muscles were attached to her stick-like legs. She was very muscular - as in fitness competition muscular - but she was so skinny, I was surprised she could stand upright. When we were doing mountain climbers, she looked like an anorexic bear or praying mantis crawling on the ground.

And she was so energetic - up and down, up and down! She reminded me of Jessie Spano when Jessie Spano was on speed. "I'm so excited, I'm so excited.... I'm so SCARED!"

Problem #3: The Music

It was techno and so loud, it made my heart beat funny. I felt like I was in a club, except I wasn't having fun. I was jumping rope with a bunch of anorexic stay-a- home moms and college students, led by an anorexic bear/praying mantis woman.

Solution: Escape

After a particularly long jump roping segment, the Mantis decided to launch into a jumping up and down section. At that point, I decided to leave. I left all my crap there for someone else to pick up, which is insanely rude. I had survived 40 minutes, but there was no way I could take another 20 minutes of crazy moves, intolerable instructoring and pulsating music. Plus, I felt like I was going to hurl.

Every Bodies, my arse. That was NOT for every fitness level. And I'm really disappointed in Urban Active for hiring such a bad example of women's fitness to lead one of their classes. It's great to be fit and healthy, but she was definitely not healthy. I'd like to force-feed her a turkey dinner.

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