Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Dem Bones are GIANT!

Recently, I bought a Groupon for a local 6-week boot-camp. My friend Vicki signed up too so we could boot-camp together. Last night was the "fitness evaluation."

We had a group of 10 women at our fitness evaluation. As part of the deal, we got a tour of the club and were lectured about the importance of eating "fat-burning foods" by some pony-tailed She-Ra. I actually think the nutritional portion of this program was a bunch of bull pucky (to quote my dad.) Included on the list of fat-burning foods was pizza, french fries, hamburgers.
She also said that you're only burning fat if you're sweating because it releases toxins from your body. BS - I'm as sweaty as all get-out and I'm certainly not burning any extra fat.

The only worthwhile thing she said was to make sure to eat enough protein. I definitely don't eat enough of that.

The Evaluation

After getting lectured, we had to stand in line for our fitness "evaluation," which involved going in a room, standing on a scale and showing her your calves so she could decide if you're endomorph, mesomorph or ectomorph. Simple enough. The problem was she left the door open and she had a booming voice, so EVERYONE could hear what she said.

"You've Got Giant Bones"

It was my turn...I popped on the scale and was pleasantly surprised to weigh less than I thought I did -- it was the end of the day and I had just eaten dinner.

She asked to see my cakves. "Oh - that's endomorph. Let me see your thighs - oh you're endomorph up there too." Great. Endomorph is code for fat-ass.

"Oh - your hips are endomorph. Do you have a waist under there? Yes - that's endomorph too." I'm sorry, but EVERYONE has a waist. It's part of the human anatomy. Plus, I was wearing a boxy t-shirt.

"Oh - yes you're storing fat in your lower belly. That's classic endomorph. You need to wear a waist slimmer so it heats up your mid-section when you work out and you burn off some of that fat. And you need to take flaxseed oil and chromium." Amazingly, they sell waist slimmers for $17.99 and supplements at the fitness studio. Sadly, I bought everything she recommended.

"Let me see your arms. Oh you have big wrists. That's endomorph." Sadly, my wrists are the smallest part of my arms.

She pinches the fat on my upper arms. "Oh - that's endomorph." Or, it's the Frost arms...

"Let me see your nails. Oh - you have slender fingers and tiny nail beds. That's ectomorph. You have mostly endomorph, which means you have a really slow metabolism. But you also have a tiny bit of ectomorph, so you're hyper at times and you can sometimes have a fast metabolism." I'm glad at least my fingers don't need to lose weight.

I call BS -I have a normal metabolism. When I work out and eat healthy, I lose weight. When I don't work out and don't eat healthy, I gain. End of story.

"Oh - your head is ectomorph. " Um, no. That's my "long face syndrome" caused by breathing though my mouth too much as a child. Google it - they've actually decided that having a long face is a medical disorder.

"How tall are you? 5'7"? That's the ectomorph coming out." (Or the genetics of my tallish family.)

"What weight do you want? Oh no - that's too small. You have big, heavy bones. I would go 10 pounds heavier."

I actually was pleased with the weight range. It means I only have 25 -35 lbs to lose instead of 35-45 lbs.

Still, I think the whole methodology is bull pucky. I don't think a fitness evaluation involves eyeballing my body and pinching the flabby parts with your fingers. Get some calipers, woman!

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