Saturday, October 29, 2011

Married = Prude

I think getting married has turned me into a prude. I hit the Man Market last night with Vicki and her friend Anna and found myself wanting to cover my eyes in horror at several points during the night.

When I was single, I thought going to a Man Market would be a way to meet fellows. Now that I've seen one in action, I'm glad I didn't go. It was like an orgy of hideous people.

The Outfits

First of all, boys wear gross costumes. I can't count the number of guys with their shorts stuffed with socks. I saw three "gynecologists" wearing white jackets with "Dr. Findersnatch, Gynecologist" embroidered on the lapel. Do men actually think that's a sexy job? 'Cause gynecologists have too look at EVERYONE'S vaginas. Not just the young and hot.

I saw one dick-in-a-box. One guy was guy dressed as a kissing booth and 40-something cougars kept giving him quarters to kiss him. One man was dressed as a pervert. He was wearing a trenchcoat and when he opened it, a glowing dildo was attached to his crotchal area. (He gave me the willies.)

There were a few funny costumes - intentional and not. A couple of guys were carrying giant bongos. When they noticed us looking at them, they ran at us screaming, flipped open the bongos to reveal giant boobs. (They were female flashers.) One guy had a Spider Man costume - complete with a full face mask. Watching him drink was hilarious! There were a couple of Waldos - and they were about as dorky as you can imagine.

The Actions

I was shocked by the ladies' behavior most of all - I wanted to scream at them to show some self respect. There were tons of girls in slutty costumes who decided they needed to dance on stage. At one point, the DJ had a 'Sexiest Female Dancer' contest. The ladies were apparently "convenience lesbians" - so they kept making out with each other and grinding on each other. The winner was a girl wearing a bra and a super short kilt. In the middle of the dance, she took off her kilt to reveal a bright red thong underneath. So she was dancing onstage in her thong and bra. She won. And all she got was a lousy $50 Target Gift Card.

I saw a couple of girls making out with several different men throughout the night. At one point, I witnessed a couple meeting for the first time - he was a gladiator and loved her sexy cop costume. Five minutes later, they were pressed up against the wall going at it. One sexy witch was going at it with a guy dressed as a bouncer. They walked out of the room - ten minutes later they came back. I think they were banging in the bathroom. My favorite was a guy who was dressed as some 70s Disco King complete with a giant Afro. He started making out with a girl dressed as Snow White - it was the weirdest pairing ever.

We ended up not staying long, and I was glad.

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