Sunday, October 16, 2011

A Superfecta of Terrible

I originally wrote 'trifecta' in the headline, but then realized that it was a 'superfecta' because I had FOUR annoying things happen to me today.

#1 - Hot Yoga - My yoga place offered a "Flow Fundamentals" class today. I could definitely use a yoga boot camp, so I decided to check it out. The class immediately before me was a 'hot yoga' class, which means they heat the room to 90 degrees on purpose and then do yoga. By the time my class started, the room was a balmy 83 degrees. We've already established that I'm a sweater. I spent the entire class dripping sweat and worrying that my ass crack was hanging out of my pants. (My pants didn't fit me as well as I would like.) The instructor kept saying that the sweat helped release toxins from our system. I left there feeling groggy and miserable.

#2 - Costco -- I went grocery shopping at Costco this afternoon. As I wandered the aisles, I noticed a lady passing out samples of popcorn chicken. I wanted to try the popcorn chicken - I noticed there were three pieces with toothpicks sticking out of them. A grandmother and her granddaughter were standing next to the chicken.

I wasn't sure why they were just standing there, but I figured there were three pieces of chicken with toothpicks and three people right next to the chicken, so it would be OK for me to take a piece. I grabbed a piece (delicious, by the way) and went on my merry way. The grandmother turns to me and says, "Excuse me - I don't think she was ready for you to take one of those." I was mortified -I look at the server lady and say "I'm so sorry - I didn't know." And she says "Well, that isn't how I prefer to serve them."

I turn to the grandmother and WANTED to say,"You bleepin' bleep. Keep your bleepin' nose out of my bleepin' business. Unless I'm causing you direct harm, keep your trap shut." Instead, I said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know and I'm sorry that you were so bothered by that." I think my toxins are putting me on edge.

#3-Kroger -- I went to Kroger for my regular, non-bulk grocery shopping. I was feeling lazy today so I opted to wear my Otterbein sweatshirt, let my hair dry naturally, and went out without makeup. Sue me. I have toxins. As I was checking out, the cashier says to me, "Are you a professor at Otterbein?" Really? When you see a non-student wearing a college sweatshirt, they're automatically a professor? Was it because I look old or unkempt or smart? Were my groceries professorial? I bought cilantro and chicken thighs and Yuengling and maple syrup and yogurt and Lean Cuisines for my husband and frozen corn.

#4 Dr Pepper -- I'm sitting next to my husband as he watches football. The game is apparently sponsored by Dr. Pepper Ten. The slogan for the ad is "It's not for women." My top issue with this is the fact that I'm a woman and I actually thought Dr. Pepper Ten was tasty. #2 Who do they think does the grocery shopping? Let me give a hint: It's not my husband. #3 When my husband DOES buy soda, he always picks Diet Mountain Dew or Coke Zero. He NEVER buys regular soda.

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