My Night as a Pole Dancer

On Friday, my friend Vicki and I had Groupons for a two-hour Intro to Pole Dancing workshop at a local fitness club. The club also offers classes with names like "Video Vixens," "Ass Class," and "Basic Burlesque" so I was anticipating  this to be the beginning of a long and beautiful relationship.

I was wrong.

Pole dancing is HARD.  And honestly, I don't know that it's something I particularly want to be good at.  My arms felt like they were being pulled out of their sockets  I kept feeling like Bridget Jones in the scene where she slides down the firehouse pole very slowly.  And this morning when I woke up, I felt like I had been run over by a giant truck and my arms are black-and-blue.  Sexy!

There were four other women taking the workshop.  They were all very tall, thin and glamorous.  Some of them had long flowy hair and stilettos.  In the meantime, I felt like an old, pudgy Puffalump.

The floor exercises were the worst. We had to roll around the floor doing moves like "Splay," which involved spreading our legs, and some gross move where we were supposed to be moving our legs to create a "window" into our downstairs areas.  One of the other moves was a Sexy Squat.  I would like you to know there is no such thing.

The Most Embarrassing Part

All-in-all, I would have been fine with the whole thing if it had just been the class. I found the whole thing very entertaining and enjoyed laughing at how horrible I was.  However, at the end, the instructor announces that we're all going to do little performances in front of the class.  I am not an attention fiend by any stretch of the imagination.  I hate feeling stupid and I hate feeling stupid in front of people that I find glamorous and intimidating.  And I hate having to do any sort of performance that involves something I don't think I do well.

Vicki and I had to each take a pole with the instructor in the middle while she led us in a routine in front of the class.  It started with something called a "Booty Roll" and then we were supposed to spin around the pole backwards, sliding down until we were on the floor.  (I just flat out said "I'm not doing that" and just went to the floor directly.  The advantages of being old.)  Once we were on the floor, we were supposed to roll around on the floor in a sexy manner, demonstrating the Splay move.  All of this while the other girls in the room  watched.

A Moment of Stupidity

I would also like to say that our instructor was a bit dumb.  At one point, we were all busy doing sexy walks.  Someone knocks on the studio door -- the instructor opens it and starts talking to this teen boy and teen girl who were peering in the studio at us, asking what we were doing.  She closes the door and says, "I'm sorry about that.  It was just two kids who wanted to see what was in here.  I only opened the door because I thought it might be a stranger."

Obviously, it was a stranger because you didn't know the kids.  And if you thought it was a stranger, why would you open the door?  You're supposed to LOCK the door if you think a stranger is involved.

You will all be pleased to know that pole dancing is not for me.  I do not plan to add "stripper" to my resume in the near future.  (Although, let's be honest.  The ship sailed a long time ago!)