I Gots No Zen

For the record, I'm not bendy. (I know what you're all thinking - poor Simon!)

I took a yoga class the other night with my friend Kelly. I really want to like yoga. For starters, it would be cool to be able to touch my toes. Plus, yoga people always seem so relaxed and Zen-like. No spaz attacks for them!

Unfortunately, I don't think yoga is my sport. I have trouble concentrating in class.

I get distracted by the Smug Yoga Moms. You know who they are. They're in their late 30s and 40s. They're so bendy they can probably stick their own heads up their butts. I caught one looking admiringly at herself in the mirror as she balanced perfectly on one leg. Then she looked pityingly at me as I frantically waved my arms around, trying to stay on balance. All I can say is if God wanted us to stand on one leg, he wouldn't have given us two!

And, to make matters worse, I have no interest in yoga breathing. How do you even do that? It makes you sound asthmatic. One time a guy in one of my classes started doing it really loudly. I was ready to call 911 before I realized he was just doing his yoga breathing.

I also have problems emptying my mind. (Imagine that!) Thoughts are always racing through my head:

• I hope I don't toot when I'm doing Downward Dog.
• If that yoga instructor says EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN-hale one more time, I'm going to punch her in the head.
• Please don't touch me, please don't touch me, please don't touch me.
• I know you want me to straighten my legs, but honestly, they don't straighten. They are permanently bent, just like Barbie legs.
• What are you looking at Smug Yoga Mom? I'll give you something to look at.
• Do you really think I'll be able to put one leg over my head? 'Cause that seems a little too advanced for me.
• Wow -- that pregnant lady looks ready to pop.
• My feet are cold. I need socks.

The absolute WORST part is the last five minutes when we're supposed to meditate in silence:

• Is five minutes over yet?
• How long do we have to sit here?
• Are my eyes supposed to be closed?
• Really, how long do we have to sit here?
• Will anyone notice if I scratch my nose?
• Can I get up now?
• What are you looking at, Smug Yoga Mom? My nose itched!

As soon as the instructor gives the all clear, my socks and shoes are on and my mat is folded. Then I look around and notice I'm the only one who has moved. Everyone else is still sitting, peaceful and Zen-like. It's almost like they're in a trance.

I think I'll have better luck with classes that let me jump around and punch the air. Although, I really WOULD like to touch my toes.