Waiting to Be Discovered

I have a deep, dark secret. I have a secret desire to have someone come up to me and say "you're the most fabulous person we've ever seen, you must be our leader" or something along those lines.

When I was a teen, I yearned to have someone approach me in the mall and beg me to be a teen model. After I realized I was neither tall enough nor skinny enough, I wanted someone to beg me to join their orchestra.

When I was a college intern, I wanted someone to be enamored with my PR skills enough to offer me a full-time job on my first day or beg me to be editor of the student paper.

When I was bellydancing, I hoped someone would invite me to be an instructor.

And now, when I jazzercise, I have a deep longing to have someone say "You're so good at this, you should teach the class."

And it's stupid...I was a terrible bellydancer and I'm a sweaty frazzled mess in Jazzercise.

I don't know why I have this problem...I guess I like validation or to know that I'm doing a good job. I guess I always want to do my best. It's a horrible, terrible trait and I often have conversations with myself about how it's OK to just have fun and to just be good enough in all aspects of my life.

I'm getting there, I guess. Today, I spent most of my Jazzercise class wondering if I am the sweatiest girl who has ever existed.

Inches Off - Woo Hoo!

I took my measurements two or three weeks ago and took them again today. Here's the score:

• Hips: -- 1.5 inches
• Thighs : -- .5 inches (each thigh)
• Bust: -- 2 inches (figures! I think this might be an anomaly)
• Waist: no change
• Arms: no change

Bust That Booty

This morning, I dragged my sad arse out of bed to go to a 5:45 a.m. Jazzercise class.

Why?

This image is haunting my dreams:

Yay to a Smaller Me!

My greatest fear is waddling down the aisle with my arms bulging over the sides of my dress. That means I'm hitting Weight Watchers AND the gym extra hard for the next seven months!

I went to Weight Watchers this morning. I haven't been in two weeks -- one week the class was canceled because of the snow. I forget why I didn't go last weekend -- probably laziness! Oh no...now I remember. I had Papa John's pizza and cheesesticks PLUS wine the night before I was supposed to weigh in.

I had no expectations this morning. I hurt my calf a couple of weeks ago, so I haven't been able to do much exercise. Plus, I ate out a lot last week. On Friday, I ate out for breakfast, lunch AND dinner. (When I say ate out, I mean my work cafeteria for breakfast and lunch and Panera for dinner -- not exactly 4-star restaurants!)

My expectations were so low, I even wore jeans. I still managed to lose .4 lbs. That's not the best weight loss ever, but considering that jeans are pretty heavy and I had recently eaten like crap, that isn't too shabby! Yay me!

After weighing in, checking out a reception place with Simon and eating Burger King for lunch (yikes!), I went to the gym with Kelly for a personal training session. I told our personal trainer that I didn't want to be able to turn my steering wheel afterward. She definitely delivered! I hope I can barely hold a pen tomorrow.

Random Ramblings

Health

• My new way of life is going well! I'm still exercising 3 to 4 times a week and I'm paying attention to what I eat. I maintained last week, BUT I ate dinner at 1 a.m. the morning of my weigh-in. And I did not make a good choice...so maintaining was a bonus!
  
  
• This month, I'm focusing on meal planning AND on making sure I get an actual vegetable or fruit at each of my meals. I'm doing theme days -- choosing quick picks on my exercise days. Mondays = Burgers/Sandwiches, Tuesdays = Salad/Stir-Fry, Wednesdays = Breakfast for Dinner, Thursdays = Vegetarian/Pasta, Fridays = Pizza and Saturday/Sunday =Anything Goes. I've only been doing it two days -- and I already messed up yesterday. But I'll try to get back on track today!
  
  
• As I got ready for my shower, I noticed my stomach looked a little less jiggly! Yippee!

TV

I'm definitely still feeling the winter blahs BUT the good news is there's great TV on to keep me entertained!

• Lost is back -- and last night's premiere was amazing. I think the Alternate Reality line actually showed that they were better off crashing on the island. As rough as it was, they became better people.
  
  
• 24 is good again this season. I'm still not sure about Freddie Prinze Jr, but I heart Starbuck. If I were a lesbian...
  
  
• Caprica -- Yay! A prequel to Battlestar...I'm loving the whole story of how the Cylons came about. And 'frak' has become part of my everyday vocabulary!

• Frank the Entertainer's Dating Show -- I love me some bad VH1 reality TV. And, my girl Annie's still in there!

Politics

• Jenny Sanford (wife of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford who cheated with a woman from Argentina) said that Mark refused to include a promise to be faithful in his wedding vows. Um...that was red flag #1.

• Don't Ask, Don't Tell -- It looks like this hateful policy is FINALLY going to be repealed. I don't understand the big deal of letting gay men in the military. It's not like they're going to be grabbing other guys' butts on the battlefield. They are U.S. citizens and should have every right to serve our country. There's enough deviant heterosexual behavior out there to worry about -- just talk to all those poor women who have been raped. I can't believe that John McCain is saying that getting rid of this law is a huge mistake. I seem to recall him agreeing at one point that it should be repealed. Oh wait...that was reasonable McCain, not sour, bitter McCain

I still heart President Obama -- especially after watching his Q&A with Republicans. However, I have concerns about how he can be successful with Republicans acting like giant babies. I just read a horrifying article that stated:

• 39 % of Republicans think Obama should be impeached (for what?!?)
  
  
• 63% of Republicans think Obama is a Socialist (do they even know what socialism is? He is NOT a socialist.)
  
  
• 36 % of Republicans think Obama is not a U.S. Citizen AND 24% aren't sure. (Complete BS -- and it doesn't help that some lame Republican congressmen are feeding those flames.)

All I can say is I'm proud to be a Democrat!

I Don't Think My Eyeball is Supposed to Sweat

Tonight I took a Jazzercise class --it was my second workout for the week. I thought it would be miraculously easier, but it wasn't.

I've decided I don't like the instructor I had tonight. There are only so many things I can concentrate on when exercising. I can either lift my knees up or I can put all my weight on one foot or I can straighten my leg or I can suck in my gut. I can't do it all.

She kept saying "Don't do XYZ" and of course I always assumed she was talking to me. Here's the deal: if you look out and see a red-faced, huffing, puffing girl who can barely stand up straight, maybe you can look the other way if one of her legs is bent! She also had us working with resistance bands. I kept getting that thing twisted and tangled around my legs. Can we just work with weights? They're much easier.

Maybe it will be easier the next time I go. And maybe I'll be less sweaty. I swear that at one point my eyeball felt like it was sweating. (Or maybe my brow was sweating and droplets were running into my eyeball.) Either way...it was very hot!

And the Adventure Begins, Again!

I've got to get my arse into shape. I know you've heard it from me before -- and you're probably rolling your eyes. The thing is, you have to be in the right mental state to get in the right physical state, and I wasn't in the right mental state before.

There have been times when I've tried to lose weight when I was OK with my physical being. There have been other times when I just had too much crap going on. The excuses stop NOW. I am dissatisfied with my health AND now have plenty of time to do something about it.

In January, I'm concentrating on 3 goals:

1. Exercise for 30 minutes at least three times a week
2. Be aware of what I eat (in other words, write it down.)
3. Get at least 7 hours of sleep a night (I chow down like food's going out of style if I'm tired.)

I also joined Weight Watchers with my friend Angela. It's better to go with a friend because you feel guilty whenever you think about skipping!

Week 1 -- Day 1 of Exercise: One Hour of Jazzercise

I hope exercise gets easier because right now it sucks.

I was down to the wire getting to Jazzercise, which meant I had to stand in the front. I stood next to Jazzercise Barbie (she looked like Judith Light in Who's the Boss? and was about a size 2). Behind me were all sorts of adorable 20-somethings...some even had pigtails. All I could think was that some of them probably went home and blogged about how old ladies who jazzercise should make more of an effort to buy underwear that fits. (I was having wedgie problems.)

The whole hour was painful! I was sweating, red-faced and huffing. I probably sounded like an asthmatic bear, lumbering around and crashing into things. I never faced the right way when trying to do the moves. The instructor kept doing some sort of stripper moves that my retired bellydancer butt couldn't even attempt.

All in all, it was VERY embarrassing. I used to be in amazing shape -- and now this! Oh well...if I keep it up, it won't ever be this bad again.

I've actually been here before -- and in WORSE condition. I remember the very first exercise class I took after nearly a decade of inactivity. It was a kickboxing class and I could barely move. I remember telling the guy at the gym that I wanted to lose 50 pounds. The friend who signed up with me looked at me and said "50 pounds? There's no way you can lose 50 pounds." I actually lost that and more. So this ....this is just a speedbump. I had a crappy year. It WILL get better.

I Gots No Zen

For the record, I'm not bendy. (I know what you're all thinking - poor Simon!)

I took a yoga class the other night with my friend Kelly. I really want to like yoga. For starters, it would be cool to be able to touch my toes. Plus, yoga people always seem so relaxed and Zen-like. No spaz attacks for them!

Unfortunately, I don't think yoga is my sport. I have trouble concentrating in class.

I get distracted by the Smug Yoga Moms. You know who they are. They're in their late 30s and 40s. They're so bendy they can probably stick their own heads up their butts. I caught one looking admiringly at herself in the mirror as she balanced perfectly on one leg. Then she looked pityingly at me as I frantically waved my arms around, trying to stay on balance. All I can say is if God wanted us to stand on one leg, he wouldn't have given us two!

And, to make matters worse, I have no interest in yoga breathing. How do you even do that? It makes you sound asthmatic. One time a guy in one of my classes started doing it really loudly. I was ready to call 911 before I realized he was just doing his yoga breathing.

I also have problems emptying my mind. (Imagine that!) Thoughts are always racing through my head:

• I hope I don't toot when I'm doing Downward Dog.
• If that yoga instructor says EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN-hale one more time, I'm going to punch her in the head.
• Please don't touch me, please don't touch me, please don't touch me.
• I know you want me to straighten my legs, but honestly, they don't straighten. They are permanently bent, just like Barbie legs.
• What are you looking at Smug Yoga Mom? I'll give you something to look at.
• Do you really think I'll be able to put one leg over my head? 'Cause that seems a little too advanced for me.
• Wow -- that pregnant lady looks ready to pop.
• My feet are cold. I need socks.

The absolute WORST part is the last five minutes when we're supposed to meditate in silence:

• Is five minutes over yet?
• How long do we have to sit here?
• Are my eyes supposed to be closed?
• Really, how long do we have to sit here?
• Will anyone notice if I scratch my nose?
• Can I get up now?
• What are you looking at, Smug Yoga Mom? My nose itched!

As soon as the instructor gives the all clear, my socks and shoes are on and my mat is folded. Then I look around and notice I'm the only one who has moved. Everyone else is still sitting, peaceful and Zen-like. It's almost like they're in a trance.

I think I'll have better luck with classes that let me jump around and punch the air. Although, I really WOULD like to touch my toes.

I'm Very Impressed With Myself!

My alarm went off at 5:20 a.m. so I could go running. When it went off, I wanted to cry because I needed more sleep. I actually turned off my light and started to go back to sleep, thinking I'd work out later tonight. Then I started to think about how I'm not enjoying my thighs right now and that I need to get ready tonight for my upcoming house party.

I gained 10 pounds this summer when my schedule was crazy and I was traveling all the time. The only way I can get it off is by being extra good about exercise and eating right. That means early morning workout so I have no excuses!

I also wonder if I'm doing a little self-sabotage. I get close to goal, but can't actually get to it. I've been trying to lose weight for so long (even if I was only making a half-assed attempt like I did in my early 20s), I'm not sure what to do when I actually don't need to anymore. What will I think about? What will I do? It just seems odd to me!

Yummy Sausage!

I hit up Trader Joe's last weekend to build up my low-fat meat stash. I found Trader Joe's Spicy Jalapeno Chicken Sausages and they were delicious! They only had 100 calories and 5 grams of fat.

Weird Gym Folk

Today, I went to an early morning BodyPump class where I experienced one of the oddest things ever. We were doing bicep curls when all of a sudden I kept hearing this inhuman growl. It sounded like a bear or a wolf.

At first, I thought it was part of the music - mainly because I was behind a pole and my view was obstructed. I peeped around - in the front of the class was this teensy-tiny man with a leg cast. He was curling his lips and making these dreadful monster faces and grunting/growling/screeching up a storm.

I thought he was maybe trying to lift too much weight - sometimes guys do excessive grunting when they're lifting super heavy weights. This man was lifting 12 lbs! I lift 7 - and that's actually pretty wussy. I should be doing at least 10. Twelve pounds was making this man screech like a werewolf. The weirdest thing was that no one else acted like this was abnormal. It was like being stuck in The Emperor's New Clothes. I was the only one who knew the truth...

Working Out With The Freaks

I had my beloved BodyPump class tonight. My regular instructor was on vacation, so we had the Three Stooges instructing us instead. Here's what they were like:

#1) The Pale Bald Dude - If Moby and BatBoy reproduced, they would have created this anemic, freaky-looking instructor. He couldn't even do all of the lunges and spent most of the time in back of the trio making faces and chortling.

#2) The Weirdo Soft Talker - This chickadee was whispering into her microphone - you couldn't hear a word she said. She also had a problem with explanations. Mainly because she gave none. She had us do a bicep routine we've never done before. Instead of giving us advance notice of the moves, she would whisper them as we were supposed to do them, so everyone was offbeat. When we told her we couldn't hear her, she turned the music way down low. I felt like I was in the library.

#3) The Man Woman - She looked a great deal like my 6th grade gym teacher - Miss Rich. She (the instructor, not Miss Rich) was super strong and barrel shaped (kind of like the ant I saw yesterday), but she had a squeaky cartoon character voice. The main problem I had with her was the fact that she was wearing a workout skirt. Not a skort, a SKIRT. She's up on a platform in front of the entire class working out in a mini-skirt. Every time she bent over, I was petrified she was going commando and I'd see her hoo-hoo. Luckily, everything stayed put...for the most part.

I would also like to share that if you wear just a sports bra to work out in and it only has spaghetti straps and you're a D-cup, it's not all that much enjoyable for the rest of us.

I'm Becoming a Kitten Mommy

I'm adopting two little kittens from a local vet's office. I got to meet them today and they're super cute. They've got crazy wild cat fur and they're bouncy and insanely active. I'm getting two sisters - one has way too many toes on her two front paws and looks like she's wearing mittens.

Here's my dilemma. I am CRAPPY at picking out names for animals. My two hamsters were Fluffy and Squeaky. I never really named my guinea pigs (I usually just called them Sweetie Pie and Cute Face, but the official names were Brownie and Blondie.) I briefly had a chinchilla named Peanut. I have no idea what to call these cats.

I'm thinking about Beatrice for one - and my boss suggested Hester for the other one. (I always liked The Scarlet Letter so I might be down with that.) But - if you have any better names, let me know. I like giving animals human names (as you can tell by what I named my rodents - very human-like name.)

Maybe I can name one 'Princess Too Many Toes' - that sounds kind of Native American !

Yoga? Um...no!

Tonight, I decided to try the Yoga 101 class at another 'branch' of my gym. By Yoga 101, you'd imagine it to be pretty basic, pretty easy for newbies to master. Yeah right. Think again. The instructor was rattling off poses left and right without even explaining them -- and they're all named after animals. "Now do the Frog. Now do the Fish. Now do the Cow." Everyone in the class - including some grandmothers - knew exactly what they were doing except for me.

I looked like a flailing amoeba the whole time. And some of those poses HURT. I don't think they're supposed to, but when you have the flexibility of a board, they're gonna. The whole entire time, I felt like I was playing a really annoying grown-up game of Twister. At no point did I feel zen-like and one with the earth. I was too busy craning my neck around to see what the heck was going on to feel relaxed.

Annoying Moms Bug Me

I ran to CVS on my way home for some Biore pore strips (a girl's gotta take good care of her pores!) As I was checking out, the lady beside me was throwing a fit because she had picked up Cherry Coke Zero instead of Cherry Coke by mistake. She had two kids with her - a girl who looked about 13 and a boy who looked about 8.

She rambled on about how she would never, ever let her children drink diet anything because it's so bad for you. I admire her conviction, really I do. I just thought it was funny that she was basically campaigning for mother of the year because she didn't let her kids drink things with artificial sweeteners, yet she had no problem letting her kids drink regular Cherry Coke. A bottle of that stuff has 260 calories and no nutritional value whatsoever.

If she were really trying to be health conscious super mom, she would be giving her kids a bottle of Dasani instead of contributing to the childhood obesity epidemic. In fact, her daughter was even picking out a candy bar - talk about sugar overload. I almost wanted to say something, but I somehow managed to button my lips. Otherwise you would have heard about me on the news...

My Pet Peeve

My new biggest pet peeve is when skeletal women start pinching non-existent fat and complaining about how huge they are. Some stupid girl at the gym did that yesterday before our Bodypump class and I wanted to throttle her.

I thought about going over and shaking my boobs in her face, because that was how Brooke (AKA Pumpkin) dealt with an annoying girl on Flavor of Love Charm School. However, that didn't seem like such an appropriate response on the show at the time, and it sure as hell didn't seem like an appropriate response in the middle of Lifestyle Fitness.

In the middle of class, we were doing lunges that basically made me want to cry. Our instructor told us to be sure to keep our knee at least at a 90 degree angle (no problem - since I couldn't manager smaller than an obtuse angle.) She also said not to drop our other leg (the extended one) to the floor because it would cause an injury. I'm sorry, but what kind of freakish person can drop their leg to the floor when doing a lunge? Is that even humanly possible? (Obviously it is, and I'm a little embarrassed that I can't do it!)

Baby Got Back!

On my never ending quest to trim my tush, I decided to check out Bellydance for Beginners with Suhaila: Fitness Fusion Buns.

Holy crap - it made my arse absolutely miserable. And since I went to BodyPump today, a fitness class that includes a 5-minute section of Killer Squats from Hell, my booty is exceptionally crabby.

I just realized I sound like this psychotic girl on What Not to Wear who went on and on about her girls and how her girls liked to be on display and they were very unhappy about being covered up. Blah blah blah. (Her girls were, in fact, her boobs. ) I don't actually think my butt is talking, but it is in pain.

This workout DVD does not teach you bellydancing or anything remotely like bellydancing. However, you do slow controlled motions targeting your glutes. There was one move where you tuck your pelvis under and then push it out - very slowly. It looks kind of like some hillbilly dude's pick-up move around the time of last call at the bar, so don't do it in front of company. It does work however

The hardest move was sitting on the floor with your legs in a V. You have to flex one butt cheek at a time - right, then left. I didn't even know this was physically possible - and the height some of these video girls got with their butt cheeks was amazing! Mine was pretty much suctioned to the ground, but you could've fit a phone book under some of these girls' rear-ends.