Burt Reynolds: The Ladies' Man

Apparently, Mr. Burt Reynolds was once upon a time a studmuffin who appealed to women of all ages.

In Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets, 16-year-old Liz Wakefield fantasizes about taking Burt Reynolds to prom.

I just watched a Golden Girls episode (Season 2, episode 2 - Ladies of the Night) where the 50+ Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia are talking about what a yummy piece of man candy Burt Reynolds is.

Is there something I'm not seeing? (In this picture, there's LOTS we're not seeing. Thank goodness!)

Say What?

I recently finished Secrets, #2 in the Sweet Valley High series -- a torrid story of lies and betrayal.

Evil twin Jessica was willing to bulldoze over anyone to be queen of the fall dance - she was even willing to betray pure and wholesome twin Liz's best friend Enid. Enid's been keeping secrets from her boyfriend Ronnie - and he wasn't too happy to find them out. Scandalous!

Here's the best passage ever:

'Hey,' [Todd] said, 'you don't look too happy for someone who's going to the dance tonight with the most fantastic guy on the West Coast.'

[Liz] forced a weak smile. 'Burt Reynolds is taking me to the dance?'

Burt Reynolds? Was he ever a high school girl's dream crush? For as long as I can remember, he's been older than dirt.

I wonder if that sentence will be updated in the new 2008 version. Maybe Burt will be replaced with Zac Effron or one of those Gossip Girl boys or whoever the young'uns are panting over these days.

Actually, I don't know who the equivalent would be. The "hot" boys seem kind of girly to me nowadays. I think Zac Effron uses more hair product than me.

They're Here!

My box of 44 Sweet Valley High books arrived yesterday and they were everything I imagined them to be. Sporting that "I've been sitting around a musty attic" smell, the books were an array of cheesy, pastel 80s covers.

The blurbs on the back were obviously written by some over-caffeinated editorial assistant with yellow toenails and a Member's Only jacket.

I'm midway through Double Love and it's just as awful/great as I remembered. Right now, evil cheerleader twin Jessica Wakefield is conniving to make basketball hero Todd Wilkins think that serious newspaper editor Liz Wakefield is a loose, racy slutbag.

You see, Jessica snuck out to a BAR (*gasp*) with a mustached high school dropout named Rick Andover. He drank beer (uh-oh) and tried to grope her and then started a bar fight.

She was forced to tell Rick:

Sorry Rick, but I'd have a better time with an octopus. Thanks for nothing. I think I'll just call a cab.

Oh snap! She's full of these zingers.

A police officer took Jessica home and thought she was Liz and Jessica didn't correct him. Oops! Of course, being a racy, drunk, slutbag is a no-no for an uber-popular b-ball star like Todd, so I think he might take Jessica to the big dance. And hilarity ensues.

You know, I think I'm having a little too much fun with the SVH books. Maybe I shouldn't tell anyone I'm re-reading them. I'll just keep it between me and the internets.

I'm a Sad, Sad Girl

Well, I've finally caught up on sleep and readjusted to the wonderful world of Eastern Time. I slept for about 12 hours Saturday night - yikes! The good news is I'm feeling much less zombiesh. The first two days back to work last week were killer.

It was a pretty fun weekend. On Saturday, I went with Amy and one of her friends to the Jeffersonville Outlets. I wasn't expecting to find anything, which is when you find insane deals you must buy immediately.

Poor Amy was thisclose to wearing one of those barrels with the straps. She's become the diet/exercise queen, dropping muchos poundagesos lickety split. Her pants were literally falling off her bottom, so she needed the shopping trip most of all!

After eating dinner with Amy and Evie, I headed home. where I learned that me+blanket+reclined position = immediate sleep. (That's probably something Jen and Brian could've already told you - I can't tell you how many nights they'd say "Are you asleep Laurie?" And I'd say "No, I'm just resting my eyes." But really, I was asleep...)

Sweet eBay Success

As much fun as this weekend was, I'm extra excited because I won a bid on eBay. I actually think it was my first 'for real' bid. I've always just done the 'buy it now' option. Last night, I learned that I'm the proud owner of 44 Sweet Valley High books.

I kept bidding on multiple collections of SVH books and kept getting outbid by skanky booksellers with deep pockets. (I'm sorry - I'm just not going to pay $50 for a bunch of secondhand books.) The dude (yes, I bought my 44 SVH books from a dude) said he'd ship them out today, so it'll be like Christmas really soon. Here's hoping he's not a smoker!

Size 6? You Heifer!

As a youngster, I was quite fond of Sweet Valley High books. In the 5th grade, I read them in my bathroom so my mom wouldn't catch me. (Although if one of the worst things I did was sneak the innocuous Sweet Valley High books, my parents had very little to complain about.)

For those who don't know, Jessica and Elizabeth (Liz) Wakefield were beautiful blonde twin sisters from California. Jessica was the wild, slutty one (although the books were relatively chaste, if I remember correctly) and Liz was the responsible, bookish one with the steady boyfriend.

Jessica the harlot is featured on this scandalous 'All Night Long' cover - not sure why she's with Tom Selleck. This was the book where she went out with a college guy - and I believe it was one of my favorites.

Sweet Valley High (or SVH as I like to call it) is being re-released for the masses. They've updated the series to make it more modern. I'm not a fan. Click here for the complete scoop. By the way, the 'Double Love' cover below is the revamped version.

Here's my beef: the twins were always 'the perfect size 6,' which was unattainable to my (at-the-time) not-so-perfect size 14 self.

Apparently size 6 is obese by modern standards. The Wakefield twins are now a 'perfect size 4,' which means even at my smallest, I will never, ever catch up to that Wakefield perfection.

Would modern teen readers even notice? "Oh - they're size 6? What cows! This book must be from the 80s. I think my mom read it when she was little. Where's the latest Gossip Girl?"

Want more awesomeness, click here for the opening credits of Sweet Valley High the TV series, which my roommates and I watched religiously my freshman year of college.

OK - your turn. What was your fondest SVH memory? Am I the only one who read this trash?